just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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