He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I will be naked everywhere
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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