That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
