Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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