We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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