You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
