someone get that fucking seahorse.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
