Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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