Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
