did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
