She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
