just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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