Actions speak louder than pants.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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