I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
