Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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