i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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