I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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