Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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