Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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