is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
