how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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