So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize