I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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