Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
