at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You left your phone here
Wait...
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