even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize