Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
