Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
