...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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