I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
