He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
