He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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