i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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