dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
