I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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