Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
