mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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