he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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