this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
