I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
