She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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