cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
