I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
