hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
