Can Purell be used as lube?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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