im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
