I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
