this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the night ended with taco bell and tears
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
