i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
