I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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