I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
