Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
