hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
