i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
