I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
