Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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