i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
