I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
