You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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