Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize