In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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