No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
