my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
