I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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