She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize