he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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