we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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