I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
